Saturday, 4 December 2010

In the name of procrastination, and magical drinks.

Okay, here's the deal. I am currently sitting and freezing my ass off in the university library and freaking out over a linguistics project. What I should be doing is actually working on it since it's due on Monday. What I am going to do is write a blog post on a group of products that I've been availing myself of without actually delving into what they are.

The products in question are the line of Neuro drinks. I don't know how many of you will have heard of them; they're only sold in a couple of different places in the UK, including the campus shop at Stirling University. Apparently they're pretty popular with celebrities these days.

And if Gaga likes them, you know they aren't your average drink.

Neuro currently have a range of seven drinks, all made from vitamins and herbal extracts with whatever else they add to get the added effects they claim. After looking at the names and supposed properties of these things, I'm pretty sure this must include fairy dust, because some of these things must be frigging magical.

Warning: magical creatures may have been harmed in the making of these products.


This is Neuro's equivalent of an energy drink. I've actually had this a couple of times, and it really does work. Probably because there's a shit ton of caffeine in it. Sure Neuro, you can claim that 'Unlike other energy drinks, NeuroSonic® uses a unique combination of plant extracts, amino acids, and other dietary ingredients to provide the fuel you need to stay alert and focused for hours.' but that doesn't change the fact that there's a shit ton of caffeine in there. Like, over 140mg per bottle, and you're not meant to give it to kids under twelve because of this. I'm not sure if that's because it's unhealthy for them or hellish on their parents, but I will say that unlike other energy drinks, it actually tastes nice, so I'll give you that one.


This is the first of the 'fairy dust' drinks. Bliss claims that there is 'happiness in every bottle'. That's right folks, Neuro are officially selling bottled happiness. That said, I have actually had a bottle of this one too, and while it didn't make me happy per se, it did leave me feeling wonderfully non-stressed for an afternoon. This one apparently 'uses ingredients like L-Theanine — found most commonly in green tea — to reduce your stress by shifting your brain waves from the beta to the alpha spectrum. This change allows your brain to be focused and alert while remaining calm.' So basically, you could buy this, or you could switch to green tea, which may actually be cheaper. But green tea doesn't taste like ginger ale I guess, and this does, so that swings it for me. Actual happiness notwithstanding.


Okay, now we're just getting silly Neuro. Let's see... 'The key ingredient that makes NeuroTrim™ work so well is derived from a centuries-old Japanese fiber that we really couldn't make up if we tried. It's called konjac, and it expands to 200 times its size after it enters your belly. So you drink a little — and you feel like you've consumed a lot.' It feels like you're making excuses there Neuro, and I don't care what you may say about those 20 clinical trials that say it's perfectly safe; making people not hungry by drinking this stuff ain't gonna help them lose weight in anything like a healthy manner.



'The key to giving you a passion-filled night is nitric oxide. Every bottle of NeuroGasm® contains two L's — L-Arginine and L-Citrulline — that help your body produce more of it.
What does a combination of nitrogen and oxygen — the two most common elements found in the Earth's atmosphere — have to do with your evening plans? Well, nitric oxide regulates your blood flow so the right nutrients get to your muscles and brain, kicking off a physiological process that stimulates a sexual response.
To keep your date coming back for more, we add green tea and L-Theanine to promote energy levels without nervous anxiety or tension — two things that can ruin even the best rendezvous.'

Neuro is selling sex in a bottle you guys!!! Seriously, if you ever see this, it might be worth buying it just to say you did. Unfortunately, this one hasn't been released outside of the US yet, but when it is, I'm totally tracking it down. Imagine looking into the eyes of the shopkeeper as you handed this baby over.

Although I will point out that nitric oxide is also an air pollutant. The air pollutant that causes acid rain in fact. Sexy.


Okay, right, no, seriously, what? Well, okay, I suppose this still makes more sense than the bottled aphrodisiac, and it has a less silly sounding name, but since it apparently contains 'an amino acid that is directly related to tryptophan, the active ingredient in turkey that makes us tired' I am going straight back to the WTF end of the scale. I was not aware that turkey made you tired. Does turkey make you tired? Well, Christmas is coming up; I guess I'll get some experimentation done. This, again, has not been released outside of the US yet, and neither has the next one on the list:


... It's water.
FRIGGING WATER NEURO. Don't you give me that fancy 'critical electrolyte' crap. You imported some spring water from California and putting it in a pretty bottle and telling us it's better than regular water does not change this fact. Treating it like some sort of celebrity or something. I bet you like Katy Perry's California Girls, don't you Neuro? Don't you?


Let's see here... 'NeuroSport™ has all five key electrolytes — potassium, sodium, magnesium, calcium, and chloride — which is three more than most sports drinks on the market. Two electrolytes simply isn't enough to keep your body properly hydrated. What's more, NeuroSport™ has 12 other good-for-you minerals that get depleted when you work out. Replenishing these minerals while you exercise will improve your endurance and increase your overall fitness levels.'
So... all we know is that it has stuff that's good for us, and it isn't carbonated.
It's NeuroAqua in a different coloured bottle. Isn't it?

I don't know you guys. I mean, I like the Sonic stuff, and the Bliss one was okay, but do we really want to trust a company that is apparently trying to sell us everything we need in our lives in pretty coloured bottles? I mean, what's next? NeuroAttract, to make you more attractive to the opposite sex? Heck, if they made NeuroGasm, I reckon they'd try to flog that.

 Here's Neuro's website by the way, just in case you're suddenly desperate to know where you can buy these things.

1 comment:

  1. The best answer I can give is... *twitch* And good Lord they have merchandise?